The dirty little secret of divorce is hiding in plain sight
By Lori A. Grover, NCPM
I didn’t become a Mediator because of a childhood aspiration to throw myself in the middle of conflict between divorcing couples, I became a Mediator because of what my divorce forced me to learn the hard way. The lessons I bought and paid for for 8 long years after I walked out of Family Court. I learned there was a better way and I have spent the last 18 years helping make the process less damaging and a little easier for others.
Divorce is hard and not just because you end up single again and solely responsible for your life. It’s hard because of the road it takes to get there. A road filled with doubt, fear, opinions and advice from anyone and everyone you ever knew. Everywhere you turn someone has the best advice, the best lawyer and knows what’s best for you. But is that really true? This was a daily theme in my life and my family wasn’t much better which made every decision ten times harder than it had to be.
What really makes us fall apart when our marriage ends and we focus more on hurting someone we used to, and sometimes do still love instead of putting the effort into ourselves and the best outcome? When I finally came around to asking myself this question I realized my way of thinking about what was happening was dishonoring who I was. Being paralyzed by fear and imprisoned by anger was not helping me and it certainly wasn’t hurting my ex. I realized that trying to ‘right the wrongs’ and ‘seek validation’ wasn’t going to come from any external source, it had to come from me. I had to stop sabotaging my future. As human beings we are not people of truth we are people of comfort. We want to hear what we need to hear in order to feel better, but that doesn’t always serve us well especially when it comes to divorce.
I am well known for my scrutiny of family law attorneys. I am also intolerant of practices that encourage conflict and make a divorce harder on a family than it already is, especially for children. I meet and talk with people who are hurt, angry and scared every day; some of them are committed to a sensible, peaceful process of divorce while others resist this idea preferring to take their chances on promises made to them by an attorney instead… Someone they met once, for about an hour.
The grass is always greener on the other side is the phrase that comes to mind when I hear people reject a sensible process like divorce mediation because a lawyer told them they can get a better deal in court. Truth is, the grass is greener where you water it. For years the legal system has turned the difficult and painful separation of a family into a profit center by making promises to emotionally vulnerable people. Attorneys know the outcome of any divorce settlement isn’t guaranteed. But that’s not what it’s about for them. It’s about money and the potential to ‘win’ for their client. But what is the definition of winning in a divorce? Is it who gets the most money, who gets the most assets or who pays the least in legal fees? My personal and professional experience has taught me that the real winners in a divorce are those who don’t end up emotionally or financially broken and are able to rebuild their lives.
Divorce is a highly charged emotional event when people are at their worst. The emotional connection we once had with our partner is severed and we face rebuilding our lives with more responsibility, more debt and older than the day we walked down the aisle. Lots to think about, many important decisions to be made and a lot at stake, so why take a road you know will be long, hard and more expensive? It’s damn sobering to look to the future with such uncertainty and know that you’re going it alone. And for these exact reasons I will never understand why divorcing people don’t ask themselves two critically important questions: what happens if the promises don’t pan out and how much is this going to cost?
Understanding why it’s reckless and dangerous to turn your divorce over to two lawyers isn’t difficult once you understand the system and how the game is played. The advantage the legal system has is that people who are scared and vulnerable aren’t going to dig into how family law or the court system works. Their focus is on survival. So these same people will never know about the politics, behind closed door deals or the relationships among attorneys, which is sometimes too good and sometimes adversarial. The moving parts are numerous but the public rarely sees the mechanics.
In reality divorce lawyers aren’t much different than the clients they represent: they too are in it to ‘win’, but there’s one very important caveat: they don’t have any skin in the game, and this makes it easy to go for broke when it’s not their lives or their children and it’s not their money. And that is the sad and honest truth. I have found the real lure of litigation to be the pursuit of justice; people want to feel validated and they want what they feel they’re entitled to. But Family Court isn’t built on some universal idea of fairness. It’s a system of who makes a better case; regardless of truth, circumstances or consequences. After witnessing the behavior of the attorneys involved in my divorce early on I was smart enough to put my emotions on a leash and look at the bigger picture. My divorce turned out different. Not great, but better than had I not put a stop to the jousting between our attorneys.
Anger, disbelief, denial and all the other emotions we experience during divorce are part of the human process of grieving and loss. These emotions reconcile over time, sometimes with help and sometimes without. But in either case the outcome of any divorce will be determined by what drives the way it is handled. So here’s what no one, not even divorce lawyers, will tell you.
Your divorce is going to be what you make it, be it peaceful or painful. No one is going to pick up the pieces but you and your lawyer isn’t going to lay awake at night worrying about your finances, your future or your children. You are not guaranteed a better outcome by going to war with your spouse. The best outcome can only come from respectfully and sensibly working it out together.
Children are resilient but they are not immune to the damage caused by bitter divorces and having parents who are unable to work together for their benefit. Aggressive lawyers do not consider the effect of litigation on the parents’ ability to communicate after the damage is done nor do they consider the impact on children. No amount of money will give you validation or right the wrongs of the past. Regardless of how much you spend in legal fees fighting with your spouse, you will never find emotional closure through money. Every day you spend angry and paying off legal bills is one day less you’ll be happy.
The terms of someone else’s divorce settlement is no reflection of what yours should look like. Every divorce is unique and different. Thinking otherwise feeds into the legal game, drags out a case and puts more money in the lawyer’s pocket. The chances of you having to return to court to change some aspect of your original divorce settlement increases by more than 50% when attorneys are involved, and that means more legal fees. Disagreements and conflicts can be resolved with greater satisfaction and less expense when they are worked through without legal intervention.
And finally, the only reason a divorce should be handled by attorneys is in extreme cases and even then, it is still possible for spouses to keep legal intervention to a minimum and achieve a positive outcome. So before you write that retainer check, think about what you want for yourself and for your children, it will be the most important decision you ever make. Divorce gives everyone the same opportunity; grow from the experience or let it rob you of your happiness.
Lori Grover is a Divorce Mediator with a private practice in Cranston, Rhode Island. She has been working with divorcing spouses for 18 years and opened the RI Divorce Mediation Center in 2006. Lori has an extensive background in divorce-related financial issues and helping parents establish healthy co-parenting relationships.
She conducts and is available to conduct seminars for others encompassing all aspects of divorce to educate people prior to beginning the divorce process. She is currently working on two books and online courses for divorcing spouses and parents. To schedule a free consultation or request additional information contact the RI Divorce Mediation Center at 401-228-8789.
