Once the holidays are over many people choose to start the divorce process. January is known as the busiest time of year for divorce professionals, but for couples, it can be the beginning of a long (and often expensive) journey to the next chapter of their lives. Having a healthy divorce may seem like an oxymoron, but they happen every day for a growing percentage of savvy soon-to-be exes who reject the notion that lawyers, and litigation are tools they need.  These couples see the bigger picture, and hefty retainers, increased conflict, and on-going court appearances are not part of it.

The thoughtful, sensible approach of today’s divorcing couples has changed dramatically over the last decade. People realize how damaging and expensive divorce can be, and they are placing more importance on protecting their emotional and financial health, and that of their children. The more educated you are the beginning, the better your process and recovery will be. Here are some things you can do to improve the health of your divorce.

Educate yourself

To be gently blunt, your divorce and the outcome are your responsibility. Understanding your financial picture and knowing the laws in your state are critical to your negotiations and the outcome. Advice from family and friends is nice, but there is no substitute for gathering expert information. Every State’s domestic relations laws are available online along with blogs, articles and websites of skilled and experienced professionals. Too many people approach their divorce without basic knowledge increasing their chances of making costly mistakes. 

Don’t give your emotions the keys to the Ferrari

Emotionally driven actions or decisions often come with regret. Many of the highly charged emotions that come out in a divorce are the result of long-standing resentment or frustration, but this is not the time to try and change the past. Avoid having discussions, negotiating or making decisions (or assumptions) when emotions are high. Stress relieving activities and or counseling can be a life (or divorce) saver.

Use mediation, rather than attorneys

Being heard, feeling validated and coming away with a fair settlement build the foundation of life after divorce. Couples want to be the ones making the decisions that will impact their lives and mediation provides that. Mediation also allows couples to explore all their options before making final decisions and, if they have children, create a healthy plan for co-parenting. Maintaining control, and creating their own settlements and parenting plans are all benefits that make up the 85% or greater success and satisfaction rate of mediation.

Seek constructive legal guidance

Unrealistic expectations combined with high emotions are the perfect storm for a difficult (and expensive) divorce. Legal advice is useful when it helps clarify the law and expose those unrealistic expectations, but advice that further divides a couple will not serve either spouse well in the end. Attorneys who are mediation-friendly are the best resources because they provide information that can be used in mediation to reach an agreement.

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Sharing child co-parenting time with your ex-spouse during the holidays can either be an enjoyable experience that simply requires a little extra effort, planning and cooperation, or a dreaded experience that leaves everyone involved frustrated, disappointed and bitter every year. We adults set the tone and our children take their cues from us. No one would ever want to admit they spoiled their children’s holiday joy because of old wounds, bitterness or anger over past events. But when these feelings interfere with our ability to make smooth child pick ups, drop offs and minor accommodations for each other’s new holiday plans and traditions with their respective families and friends, that’s what can happen and it’s up to the adults involved, including their extended families, to make sure that doesn’t happen!

The subject of parenting children after your divorce is a topic that will be discussed at length and detail in future videos, so check back every week or so, or like and follow us on Facebook to have our videos added to your news feed!

The post Divorce Vlog with Lori Grover – Children and Holidays – Week 4 appeared first on RI Divorce Mediator | RI Divorce Mediation.

Entitlement.

A hallmark characteristic of high conflict personalities (HCPs) or people with personality disorders is the belief that they’re entitled to more and are better than anyone else. But the assertive or even aggressive nature of these personalities is a mask they wear to hide the deep insecurity and lack of self-esteem that exists at the deepest levels of themselves. Most people in a relationship with these personalities never understand this deep void in their spouse, parent, sibling, or coworker. Instead, their experience is one of confusion, fear, abuse, and in many cases, winding up as an unknowing enabler. The impenetrable psychological walls they build and their grandiose persona are mechanisms HCPs use to control and manipulate their environment, whether it’s their spouse or child or by being the slippery overachiever at work who climbs to the top of the corporate ladder, becoming the envy of those who know them. Chaos in the lives of these personalities is as essential to them as air to breathe, a concept which was incredibly difficult for me to wrap my head around. But it answered so many questions about my mother’s personality and her inability to have meaningful relationships with anyone.

We all know personality disordered people

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. According to the largest study ever conducted by US National Institutes of Health on personality disorders about 10 percent of the population has NPD, BPD or a combination of both. Among those who met the criteria for BPD, 53 percent were women and 47 percent were men. Of those who met the criteria for NPD, 62 percent were men and 38 percent were women. And, among people who met the criteria for just one of these disorders, nearly 40 percent met the criteria for both. In the case of my own mother who has narcissistic personality disorder, she also has borderline personality disorder, anorexia and obsessive-compulsive disorder, she is a hoarder, and has been taking prescription painkillers for years. Meeting her for the first time she would appear charming, quite social and very down to earth with a great personality – the same mask most high conflict personalities wear in public – but people close to them live with someone quite different. If you blame yourself for not seeing the signs sooner, don’t. These disorders are difficult to diagnose and their behaviors often aren’t apparent until months after a relationship begins.

HCPs instinctively assess everyone they meet, like auditioning actors for a play, to draw a bead on their personality and the value that person can provide. The primary attachments they usually form are to people who are compassionate, sensitive and caring or who show vulnerability because they are easier to manipulate. What everyone who’s been in a relationship with a HCP usually finds is that the person they came to know is not the same person they met at the beginning of the relationship. Once HCPs are comfortable in a relationship, the mask gradually comes off, exposing their true personalities. The duality present in these personalities is quite amazing and equally disturbing but it is this duality that can make divorcing a high conflict personality so difficult.

Maintaining relationships with HCPs isn’t a problem provided you’re willing to sacrifice yourself and conform to their version of reality. We may be born into or end up in relationships with HCPs, but most of us will not choose to remain in them. For years after I left home as a young adult my mother never gave up trying to control me or my life and it wasn’t until I understood who and what she was that I was able to stop blaming myself and take my life back.

Divorcing A Personality Disordered Spouse

Dealing with difficult divorces today is less about actual legal issues and more about handling difficult personalities. HCPs often don’t like negotiating because it interferes with the power and control they need to maintain over their lives. Regardless of who initiates the divorce the HCP will make their spouse the target of their abuse and their behavior will be predictably… Unpredictable. In my experience HCPs react to divorcing one of two ways – they either hire an aggressive attorney and begin a full-on assault of their spouse, or they agree to participate in divorce mediation believing the lack of legal authority will allow them to control the outcome. In either case the HCP is looking to gain an ally or advantage and since attorneys  – on both sides – will typically lack the ability to recognize personality disorders HCPs find the advantage they’re seeking which can mark the beginning of a long, difficult journey.

In reality HCPs aren’t as concerned about the financial or logistical outcome of a divorce as they are about protecting their public persona and hurting or punishing their spouse. This is the intent behind the lies and drama they create which often works well for them and unfortunately, to their advantage in Family Court. Just like at the beginning of a new relationship HCPs display their best personality for the court, and when their spouses understandably react to defend themselves the spouse becomes the one who looks unreasonable, disorganized or even irrational. The personality disordered have the energy and will to play out this type of drama for as long as the court will allow. They aren’t concerned about the consequences of their behavior on their own life nor do they care about the impact on the lives of their spouse or children.

As a divorce mediator who works with high conflict divorce cases I’ve seen the mediation process help to create considerably better outcomes in a shorter amount of time versus the aggressively litigated route but my success with high conflict divorces isn’t because I’m special. It’s the result of my ability to understand these disorders and manage them appropriately during the negotiation process. Truthfully, negotiating skill and behavior management aren’t the only factors that contribute to making such divorces easier. What’s equally important – but many spouses of HCPs are never told this – is that specific modifications to their behavior too can have a big impact on managing a relationship with a high conflict spouse both during and after their  divorce. The behavior of a HCP usually doesn’t ever change but changing how you interact with them can make a huge difference.

Understanding this is how I accomplished something many people told me couldn’t be done: Controlling the impact my mother’s disordered personality had on my life.

In my next article, I’ll talk about co-parenting with a HCP and the impact of these personalities on children.

For information on Lori’s upcoming High Conflict Divorce seminar or to register in advance call us at 401-228-8789.

The post High Conflict Divorce Part 2: Personality Disorders appeared first on RI Divorce Mediator | RI Divorce Mediation.