Sharing child co-parenting time with your ex-spouse during the holidays can either be an enjoyable experience that simply requires a little extra effort, planning and cooperation, or a dreaded experience that leaves everyone involved frustrated, disappointed and bitter every year. We adults set the tone and our children take their cues from us. No one would ever want to admit they spoiled their children’s holiday joy because of old wounds, bitterness or anger over past events. But when these feelings interfere with our ability to make smooth child pick ups, drop offs and minor accommodations for each other’s new holiday plans and traditions with their respective families and friends, that’s what can happen and it’s up to the adults involved, including their extended families, to make sure that doesn’t happen!

The subject of parenting children after your divorce is a topic that will be discussed at length and detail in future videos, so check back every week or so, or like and follow us on Facebook to have our videos added to your news feed!

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What the Divorce Vlog with Lori Grover is all about! Discover what you don’t yet know about having a smooth, successful divorce before you start. Follow us on Facebook to have our videos added to your news feed!
 

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Join us every week for our new divorce advice video series: The Divorce Vlog Weekly with Lori Grover.

We’ll be covering all aspects of divorce every week from planning and preparation, co-parenting and finances, managing relationships with in-laws, extended family and especially high conflict former spouses. “Like” us on Facebook and be notified when a new video is posted each week.

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© Paramount Pictures

It’s all your fault!

Throughout my early teens and well into adulthood I was the target of everything my mother believed was wrong with her life, including the dysfunctional marriage she had with my father. As a child I had no defense against her blame, but that didn’t prevent me from knowing my family wasn’t like everyone else’s. The ‘version’ of my mother I knew as a young child was very different from the version I lived with through my teens. When I was a young child she took care of my basic needs but was not overly affectionate and she often seemed very preoccupied. I was the well-spoken, well-dressed little girl she used as an outward expression of herself to the world, but as I matured with my own identity and was no longer her reflection everything changed. Criticism, blame and condescension became the norm in our relationship. It was during those years I learned to temper my personality and modify my behavior to avoid triggering hers and sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. I know now most children of high conflict parents adapt to their environment out of necessity and for survival. For them this may become natural but it should never be considered normal and it’s not how childhood should ever be experienced. Having a high conflict parent redefines our childhoods and it can affect our adult lives forever. My father often tried to quell my mother’s outbursts and behavior but he was never successful. Just like many other people I’ve spoken with who tried to fix a problem they don’t understand. But even if one parent does understand personality disorders and high conflict behavior it won’t change who their child’s other parent is. Both they – and especially their children – will need to learn how to manage life in a relationship with a HCP (high conflict personality).

Divorce may seem like the obvious solution to eradicating the chaos and drama of a high conflict spouse from your life, but when you have children it not that easy. I often talk with people who live with ongoing abuse from a former spouse years after their divorce is final that struggle to protect their children from circumstances beyond their control.

Using children to abuse their ex-spouse

In many cases a HCP will use their children as tools to control, manipulate or punish their ex. Whether it’s false allegations of abuse or claiming the other parent is incapable of caring for their child to refusing access or restricting the other parent’s time with their child – there’s no limit to how far a HCP will go to intimidate their spouse in order to get what they want. They may wear the mask of a loving and protective parent in public but the true motive is to covet the child for their own needs. They don’t want the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, they want the attention that comes from buying the most expensive birthday gift or an audience to listen to their remarkable stories of accomplishment, whether real or imagined. As I explain later, narcissists don’t see their child as an independent person. Their child is an extension of themselves.

Don’t try to cure what you don’t understand

While this concept may be hard to wrap your head around, if you can, it explains why such people say and do things to their children the rest of us would never even consider and why trying to get them to modify their behavior is futile. Most people will sense that something about their spouse’s behavior isn’t right and may suspect a personality disorder, but the depth of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is seldom fully understood. It’s also important to understand that healthy narcissism is part of the human personality and certain diagnostic criteria must be met for someone to be reliably classified as having NPD. I’m focusing in on Narcissism in this article because I believe the ability to manage such a situation requires a thorough understanding of it and Narcissism is one of the most complex disorders that can impact a divorce.

© Paramount Pictures

Children are more resilient than we give them credit for but they have little defense against a personality disordered parent and the long-term effects are far reaching. Children of a narcissistic parent are never seen as who they are – a separate person. Even before birth the narcissistic parent will unknowingly project their own flaws onto their unborn child. Once the child is born the disordered parent sees their children as they themselves were treated – unlovable and defective – and they may criticize and attack the child, never recognizing that they themselves are the target. The long-term effects of narcissistic parenting conditions these children to please others without healthy boundaries, perceive their mistakes or shortcomings as something to be ashamed of and come to believe the only way to be loved and accepted is to conform. Low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, psychological co-dependency, unhealthy emotional attachments, delayed stages of development, self-criticism, feeling invisible and difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life are all potential symptoms of the child with a high conflict parent. In extreme cases of Narcissistic Personality Disorder some children may even take on the personality traits of the disordered parent if they are the primary influence on the child from an early age. And while every child will be impacted by such a parent to some degree the lasting effects will vary based on the support they receive from their other parent, their extended family and their external environment.

The legal ‘art of war’

Even the best lawyer and a well drafted divorce settlement will never completely control the behavior or drama of an ex-spouse with a high conflict personality. But, there are steps you can take during the divorce that may help to better insulate your children from conflict, strengthen your parental rights and provide legal recourse in the future.  A detailed Parenting Plan which defines specific parental roles and responsibilities, that mandates visitation and vacation times, the way incidental and extra curricular child expenses are paid for and other important details is essential. Whether your state’s family court requires one or not! Every case I mediate involving children includes a detailed Parenting Plan. When it’s clear that I’m working with a high conflict couple the plan is even more specific, with greater detail, and uniquely tailored to the couple’s relationship and the level of conflict. My goal is to eliminate as much ambiguity as possible for the high conflict parent to take advantage of by addressing details that most attorneys and the court rarely do that can lead to repeated expensive and frustrating court appearances. Unfortunately, since family law attorneys and family court systems typically aren’t trained nor are they equipped to properly manage high conflict divorces of this nature, parents aren’t made aware they have the opportunity to take preventative and proactive steps to better manage their divorce and especially their ongoing co-parenting relationship with their ex.

Divorcing a high conflict spouse

Here are a few things to remember.

• Divorcing a high conflict personality requires extensive self-education on your part, planning, and working with well qualified professionals with experience in such cases, whenever possible. There are no shortcuts. Who you hire should be based on their proven experience managing high conflict personalities in legal disputes. Not their hourly rates.
• You don’t get a second chance to make a good first impression when you go to court.
• Never make decisions out of frustration, feeling emotionally coerced, or because you just want your divorce to be over.
• Don’t allow details to be worked out after the divorce is final.
• Insist on creating a Parenting Plan and having it included in your final divorce decree.

The words “personality disorder” and specifically, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” are rarely uttered in Family Court and unless your child is demonstrably at risk for abuse by your ex the court is unlikely to restrict contact between them. Handling your divorce properly and educating yourself are the best lines of defense to help both you and your child handle your relationship with a high conflict personality.

For information on Lori’s upcoming High Conflict Divorce seminar or to register in advance call us at 401-228-8789.

The post High Conflict Divorce Part 3: Co-Parenting Children After appeared first on RI Divorce Mediator | RI Divorce Mediation.

Entitlement.

A hallmark characteristic of high conflict personalities (HCPs) or people with personality disorders is the belief that they’re entitled to more and are better than anyone else. But the assertive or even aggressive nature of these personalities is a mask they wear to hide the deep insecurity and lack of self-esteem that exists at the deepest levels of themselves. Most people in a relationship with these personalities never understand this deep void in their spouse, parent, sibling, or coworker. Instead, their experience is one of confusion, fear, abuse, and in many cases, winding up as an unknowing enabler. The impenetrable psychological walls they build and their grandiose persona are mechanisms HCPs use to control and manipulate their environment, whether it’s their spouse or child or by being the slippery overachiever at work who climbs to the top of the corporate ladder, becoming the envy of those who know them. Chaos in the lives of these personalities is as essential to them as air to breathe, a concept which was incredibly difficult for me to wrap my head around. But it answered so many questions about my mother’s personality and her inability to have meaningful relationships with anyone.

We all know personality disordered people

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. According to the largest study ever conducted by US National Institutes of Health on personality disorders about 10 percent of the population has NPD, BPD or a combination of both. Among those who met the criteria for BPD, 53 percent were women and 47 percent were men. Of those who met the criteria for NPD, 62 percent were men and 38 percent were women. And, among people who met the criteria for just one of these disorders, nearly 40 percent met the criteria for both. In the case of my own mother who has narcissistic personality disorder, she also has borderline personality disorder, anorexia and obsessive-compulsive disorder, she is a hoarder, and has been taking prescription painkillers for years. Meeting her for the first time she would appear charming, quite social and very down to earth with a great personality – the same mask most high conflict personalities wear in public – but people close to them live with someone quite different. If you blame yourself for not seeing the signs sooner, don’t. These disorders are difficult to diagnose and their behaviors often aren’t apparent until months after a relationship begins.

HCPs instinctively assess everyone they meet, like auditioning actors for a play, to draw a bead on their personality and the value that person can provide. The primary attachments they usually form are to people who are compassionate, sensitive and caring or who show vulnerability because they are easier to manipulate. What everyone who’s been in a relationship with a HCP usually finds is that the person they came to know is not the same person they met at the beginning of the relationship. Once HCPs are comfortable in a relationship, the mask gradually comes off, exposing their true personalities. The duality present in these personalities is quite amazing and equally disturbing but it is this duality that can make divorcing a high conflict personality so difficult.

Maintaining relationships with HCPs isn’t a problem provided you’re willing to sacrifice yourself and conform to their version of reality. We may be born into or end up in relationships with HCPs, but most of us will not choose to remain in them. For years after I left home as a young adult my mother never gave up trying to control me or my life and it wasn’t until I understood who and what she was that I was able to stop blaming myself and take my life back.

Divorcing A Personality Disordered Spouse

Dealing with difficult divorces today is less about actual legal issues and more about handling difficult personalities. HCPs often don’t like negotiating because it interferes with the power and control they need to maintain over their lives. Regardless of who initiates the divorce the HCP will make their spouse the target of their abuse and their behavior will be predictably… Unpredictable. In my experience HCPs react to divorcing one of two ways – they either hire an aggressive attorney and begin a full-on assault of their spouse, or they agree to participate in divorce mediation believing the lack of legal authority will allow them to control the outcome. In either case the HCP is looking to gain an ally or advantage and since attorneys  – on both sides – will typically lack the ability to recognize personality disorders HCPs find the advantage they’re seeking which can mark the beginning of a long, difficult journey.

In reality HCPs aren’t as concerned about the financial or logistical outcome of a divorce as they are about protecting their public persona and hurting or punishing their spouse. This is the intent behind the lies and drama they create which often works well for them and unfortunately, to their advantage in Family Court. Just like at the beginning of a new relationship HCPs display their best personality for the court, and when their spouses understandably react to defend themselves the spouse becomes the one who looks unreasonable, disorganized or even irrational. The personality disordered have the energy and will to play out this type of drama for as long as the court will allow. They aren’t concerned about the consequences of their behavior on their own life nor do they care about the impact on the lives of their spouse or children.

As a divorce mediator who works with high conflict divorce cases I’ve seen the mediation process help to create considerably better outcomes in a shorter amount of time versus the aggressively litigated route but my success with high conflict divorces isn’t because I’m special. It’s the result of my ability to understand these disorders and manage them appropriately during the negotiation process. Truthfully, negotiating skill and behavior management aren’t the only factors that contribute to making such divorces easier. What’s equally important – but many spouses of HCPs are never told this – is that specific modifications to their behavior too can have a big impact on managing a relationship with a high conflict spouse both during and after their  divorce. The behavior of a HCP usually doesn’t ever change but changing how you interact with them can make a huge difference.

Understanding this is how I accomplished something many people told me couldn’t be done: Controlling the impact my mother’s disordered personality had on my life.

In my next article, I’ll talk about co-parenting with a HCP and the impact of these personalities on children.

For information on Lori’s upcoming High Conflict Divorce seminar or to register in advance call us at 401-228-8789.

The post High Conflict Divorce Part 2: Personality Disorders appeared first on RI Divorce Mediator | RI Divorce Mediation.

Whether a divorce is a mutual decision or made by one spouse, coming to terms with the end of a marriage and processing that loss is different for everyone. There isn’t a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve but certain behaviors can signal the existence of a bigger issue. Anyone who has been divorced or knows someone who has understands the roller coaster of emotions that can effect your ability to think and function. Most divorcing people manage to work through the emotional and logistical challenges their divorce presents and in time begin to focus on rebuilding their lives. But there are others who function differently that are driven by retribution, control, and perpetuating conflict and theirs will usually be a high conflict divorce.

These are divorces involving high conflict personalities (HCPs)

The irrational, explosive and downright outrageous behaviors exhibited by high conflict personalities in divorce are exhausting and can escalate quickly. For many husbands and wives, divorcing a high conflict personality marks the beginning of a long road, one they don’t understand, and through no fault of their own, are unequipped to deal with and manage. As the daughter of a high conflict parent, I’m familiar with the confusion and chaos these personalities create and the havoc they wreak on your life. Over the years I’ve had numerous clients express the same frustration I experienced at their spouse’s behavior once their divorce started. Many acknowledged their spouse’s difficult personality but were confused by how their divorce exposed a side they not only didn’t understand but couldn’t believe. Experts agree that anger, frustration, denial, and fear are all part of the grieving process, and many divorcing people exhibit these behaviors at some point during the process. In most cases, these feelings stabilize over time but for high conflict personalities, their divorce is a wound that never heals.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

These personality disorders fall under the category of anti-social behavior, they are the two most common personality disorders revealed during a divorce and can present numerous, ongoing challenges from negotiating financial settlements, to maintaining even minimally civil relationships for co-parenting. Most legal professionals lack the training to recognize high conflict personality disorders which can make a difficult, and sometimes dangerous situation worse, and condemn innocent spouses to years of on-going conflict and the need to put out one legal fire after another, with no end in sight.

The outcome of a high conflict divorce is heavily dependent upon how it’s handled and the skill of the professionals involved. Financial solvency, the ability to successfully co-parent your children, and your quality of life are all dictated by the way these divorces are facilitated and managed. Lack of understanding, legal aggression, and inadequate preparation all have long-term consequences which can entangle former spouses in a cycle of endless abuse, custody battles and financial hardship long after their divorce is final. If you know or suspect you have a high conflict spouse it’s important to understand what you are actually dealing with first, then surround yourself with experienced professionals and a good support system, and then prepare before you begin any legal action. These steps won’t change the personality you’re dealing with but they will make you better prepared for the bumpy road of divorcing a high conflict personality.

This is the first in my series of posts relating to HCPs. In my next post, I’ll discuss the expectations of high conflict personalities in divorce and how those expectations complicate financial negotiations and settlements.

For information on Lori’s upcoming High Conflict Divorce seminars or to register, contact us at 401-228-8789.

The post High Conflict Divorce: Is It Anger? Or Something Else? appeared first on RI Divorce Mediator | RI Divorce Mediation.